Pandemic Love #6: Hard & Soft Boundaries
By Jeanne Donegan
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What do you do when your partner proposes something sexually that you are totally not into? First, it’s important to distinguish between our hard and soft boundaries sexually. Both as a practice for ourselves and in communication with an intimate partner. Most often one draws a hard boundary at a sex act or environment you feel would threaten your physical or emotional safety. For instance, I am very claustrophobic, so I set hard boundaries around any kind of bondage. To be restrained would only be anxiety inducing for me. However, through some experimentation with trusted partners who do like this type of sex, I’ve found that I can soften this boundary a little by having only my hands tied, not my legs, and never tied behind my back. Now, would I be a good match for someone who is super into BDSM? Certainly not, and that’s okay! Those folks will find other beautiful subs that love to be bound up.
Knowing what those hard boundaries are is important, but sometimes we don’t know exactly where that line is until we butt up against it. Through investigating those boundaries in a safe space, we can sometimes discover things we actually really enjoy, or things that our partners really enjoy and their ecstasy turns us on. When we find the line, we can dial back, so long as we’re experimenting with people that we trust. There are still sex acts I’m experimenting with now that make me a little nervous. Through these trials I’m discovering things that are really exciting while marking my boundary lines, as well as finding a greater freedom in defining my own sexuality through experimentation not cultural expectations.
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My partner and I have been in a same-sex female relationship for years. The love making has by far been the best I have ever had, and although it has lost the fire of the early years, it is still incredible and regular.
However, I know that my partner has always had an interest in using toys, which has always felt unnatural and intrusive to me. For example, she sometimes fantasizes of penetrating me with a strap on. The idea makes my skin crawl, as I do not miss being penetrated with a phallus. I love and deeply embrace being two women with vaginas. I do not find it sexy or erotic to imagine her having sex with me in the style that a man would, or having a fake, rubber penis strapped over her beautiful womanhood.
I am torn, because I want her to be able to try everything she wants to, express herself sexually and feel totally fulfilled by our sexual life. I don't want her to wonder what it is like for the rest of her life, or become unsatisfied over time with our more traditional lesbian lovemaking. I'm not sure if I am being too close minded or if I should stand by my desires at the expense of hers.
Anonymous
It’s clear from your submission that you deeply admire and respect your partner. That’s a great place to start, and it sounds like you’ve built enough trust in your relationship that you’ve created a space where you can openly discuss and consider one another’s desires. I want to preface this response by stating that no one ever has to sexually engage in something that makes their skin crawl -- it is perfectly okay to have hard boundaries. That said, I feel from your language that there is more to it than that, and given how torn you feel, I want to flesh it out some more by posing a series of questions that you can reflect on both individually and as a couple.
I’d start by asking your partner to try to identify what it is about having sex with you using a strap-on that turns her on. Is it that she wants to enhance your pleasure? Does she want to experiment a bit with the gender roles in your relationship? Is she interested in exploring a D/s (dom/sub) power dynamic in your sex life? And, how important is it for her to actualize this fantasy?
What role does penetration play in your sex together currently? Do you use fingers or vibrators of any kind? And if so, do you enjoy receiving this kind of penetration or is it something only you perform on your partner? Do you tend to be the one who tops, or takes charge sexually, and thus feel uncomfortable reversing these well established roles? Or do you feel like, as two women with vaginas, your sex is an equal and harmonious exchange that you’re afraid to disrupt? If this sense of equality is an important feature of your sexual experience, an alternative to a harnessed strap-on is a double ended dildo. These can typically be used with or without a harness, and with a toy like this, you’re both sharing the experience of penetration. This could be something that you’re trying together as opposed to something that’s being done TO you.
Asking your partner to identify the root of this desire will be helpful, because the strap-on may be just one vehicle to experience a particular feeling she may be after. Depending on what feeling that is, whether it’s being in control or getting off on giving you pleasure, there are other methods to explore that don’t necessarily involve penetration -- especially if being penetrated is an act that you have a strong aversion to. You could try being blindfolded, or lightly restrained while she gives and you receive -- this would shift a 50/50 power dynamic a little bit in her direction and might scratch the same itch where her desire to use a strap-on is coming from. Talk through her whole desire from start to finish -- pay attention to the underlying aspects she finds hot about strap-on sex before you get too hung up on the object through which this fantasy becomes realized. Discuss other ways your partner might be able to live out this desire before introducing the toy itself.
So that’s one part...and once your partner identifies what it is about using a strap-on that turns her on, then you need to identify what it is exactly about the strap-on that turns you off...way off...skin crawl off. The tone with which you described the strap-on as a “fake, rubber penis strapped over her beautiful womanhood” to me, reads pretty clearly that your disgust lies less in the act of penetration than it does in the reference to a penis. It sounds like it’s the idea of her with a dick that turns you off, more than the idea of using toys. Something else you could try is a thigh harness with a strap-on as opposed to one that sits over the hips -- this way you still have visual and physical access to the parts of her body that turn you on, while also removing the direct correlation to a phallus. You allude to having sex with cis men in the past, and it makes me wonder if there are any particularly negative experiences that might be impacting your current situation. If so, I would certainly seek out a therapist to unpack that and share those experiences with your partner -- I imagine she certainly would not want to push anything sexually that has the potential to re-traumatize you.
If your feelings are not trauma related, then I would start by working to reframe your relationship to toys in general. If you don’t personally have much experience with toys/vibrators -- you might want to explore this on your own first. Masturbating using a toy will allow you to form your own relationship to it without the pressures and expectations of being observed. What toys are you intrigued by? Whether penetrative or not, if she’s the one in the relationship pushing to use toys, start with something you want to try. Jumping from using no toys to a full blown strap-on is a lot! Maybe shop around for a less intrusive device first, something you only use externally. You could browse the “good for couples” collection on Spectrum Boutique for a wide variety of options you can use together. Once you become comfortable using toys to expand and enhance the pleasure you experience with one another, you could start to think about ways to explore penetration incrementally. Perhaps penetration would feel differently than it has in the past once it becomes associated with this woman that you love and are deeply attracted to.
The last thing I want to point out is, the way you refer to your sex as “traditional lesbian lovemaking.” This makes me think that you hold certain ideas about the way sex between two women is supposed to look, when already your queer relationship inherently transgresses that which society deems “traditional.” You may want to interrogate your own expectations around this a little bit. Using a phallic-shaped toy, even a very anatomical looking one, doesn’t invalidate your intimate relationship as women. For example, there are a lot of straight identifying, cis men who enjoy being penetrated by their cis women partners using a strap-on, and the introduction of this toy doesn’t have to alter their sexuality. Try to think about strap-on sex less as “the style in which a man” has sex, and more a style of sex that’s used for a combination of internal stimulation and power play.
It starts with communication, and luckily you and your partner are already working on that. I might take some of the above questions and independently write out your answers. Then come together and share your thoughts, desires, and insecurities around this topic. Sometimes having something written down to reference during a challenging conversation can help you avoid feeling emotionally overwhelmed or at a loss for words. Ultimately, I don’t know that this is a scenario in which you have to stand by your desires at the expense of hers...I think you might just need more time to understand where your opposing desires are stemming from, and work to find the place where those desires can overlap. If you trust each other, you can begin to experiment together -- so long as you feel safe and there is no risk of emotional harm to you through this experience. If you find in the end that you’re willing to explore this with your partner, just be honest about your boundaries and the pace at which you feel comfortable.
Keep talking through this and be open with one another. I linked to some great articles and a worksheet from Autostraddle below that you should check out! Feel free to write back if you have any revelations or updates! <3
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This Week’s Resources:
How to Have Stap-On Lesbian Sex by Carolyn Yates
Sex Toys Are For Us: How to Start Using Sex Toys with a Partner by Archie
Sex Toy Exploration Worksheet -- Fun exercise to find out where your sexual curiousities overlap.