Pandemic Love #2: Fluctuating Desires
By Jeanne Donegan
How are you doing? Submit your questions to Pandemic Love here!
I want to thank you all for the kind responses to my introductory essay, Love and Intimacy from a Short Distance. It was daunting to write about my own relationship experience during the pandemic and your support is sincerely appreciated. <3
It is also important for me to be open and vulnerable about myself before asking any of you to share your experiences with me! Who am I after all, besides your local opinionated romantic? I received some really powerful questions this week and picked out two to focus on for this issue. If you send in a question, I will try my best to answer all of the submissions but that may not always be possible. If you are really hoping to hear from me, consider submitting an update after a couple weeks to remind me! And don’t forget all the other great community resources available to you.
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Like millions of others, my mental health has gone completely haywire. A lot of past trauma, including sexual trauma, has been coming to the surface in ways that I wasn’t expecting. I find myself either begging to be touched by my longtime monogamous partner, and at other times, I feel physically ill and violated at even the thought of another’s hand on my body. I want to get off AND feel connected to my own/my partner’s needs.
Touchy About Touching
28, she/her, Chicago
I’m sorry you’re going through that -- oscillating between two totally opposing feelings can be SO physically exhausting and emotionally draining. The lack of control that we’re all experiencing right now really has a way of making what little stability we have left feel so fragile. Emotions are up and down, and zigzagging all over the place. I’ve always considered myself to be a relatively stable human -- my bff refers to me as a steady oak -- but I’ve more often felt like a little twiggy sapling being pummeled by the wind lately. You’re not alone on this emotional rollercoaster, and whoever you are, I wish I could hold your hand as we scream into the wind together and ride over the big drop.
Have you expressed to your partner these opposing desires you’re feeling? Being open about what you’re going through would always be the first step. Maybe also asking your partner about how their own desires are functioning/fluctuating right now could help -- not to deprioritize your own feelings, but to share and be vulnerable together, and to know that this situation has an impact on the way you’re both experiencing desire. Digging into that a bit further -- what if for a while you shifted your intimacy to a more emotional connection, as opposed to a physical one? Are there things you do together that make you feel especially close? Maybe reading to each other or performing kind gestures for one another around the house? Is there anything you know of that your partner could do to help make you feel safe in your home? I imagine that the constant threat of danger inspired by the pandemic has you feeling unsafe and is provoking memories of your past trauma. This could be a starting point for an open discussion with your partner. How do we make our space feel safe enough for me to welcome touch?
Those are some emotional roots that I would explore, but I also have some other sultry thoughts. How does solo sex feel when you’re experiencing the feelings of not wanting to be touched by another person? Are you totally turned off, or is getting off by yourself still something you’re interested in? Our sexual relationships with ourselves are so important to the health of our sexual relationships with others. I would encourage you to start there, make sure you’re feeling good within your own body, with your own touch first. If masturbation is still on the table for you on those days, have you tried doing this together? Either both of you touching yourselves and not each other, or one of you watching while the other gets themselves off? If this feels comfortable and safe to you, the feelings of closeness it could bring might lead to desiring that touch while masturbating together, and even if not -- it can still be hot.
The other thing I would consider, and I have to admit I have not tried this yet, though I have been admiring it. Have you heard of We-Vibe? (Shout out to Malic White, friend and staff member at The Pleasure Chest, for enlightening me on this recently. They also just wrote an incredible article on Autostraddle about long distance kink that’s worth reading for the way it explores intimacy without physical touch). We-Vibe makes vibrators you/your partner can control using a phone app. This is something that can greatly benefit couples in a long distance (or short distance) relationship. For your unique situation, this could be a way for your partner to give you pleasure without touching you directly, essentially inviting them to be part of your solo sex. It’s kind of pricey, but it looks like it’s on sale on their website. (Remember, credit cards are for emergencies. I paid a stupid amount of money to be able to have sex in this Airbnb, and I don’t regret it).
Lastly, you might already have a therapist that you’re still able to see virtually, but if not I would definitely recommend it for you individually and/or as a couple, to help work through the past traumas you have mentioned. There are services like Better Help or Talk Space, and other resources listed here. I hope you find balance, safety, and pleasure soon in all the ways you deserve. <3
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Apologies in advance, I’ve tried to keep this concise. Until the shelter in place order hit Illinois, I was having a love affair with a man from my office. But not in the traditional sense; my partner of 4 years and I are in an open relationship and he knew all about my feelings for this coworker. I’m bisexual, and until this coworker and I got to know each other better, I had only been seeing women outside of my primary relationship.
Because of this, my partner was uncomfortable with me seeing another man as it had not been an established desire of mine until I developed a friendship with my coworker, who revealed to me early on that he was also polyamorous. Since October 2019, I’d been developing feelings for this other man whom my partner would not allow me to go out with on dates, kiss, or have sex. I was caught in limbo, trying to navigate both of their feelings while keeping my own new relationship energy in check, which was extremely difficult. I never crossed my partner’s boundaries, but there was still a lot of hurt and stress-testing of our relationship as the pressure grew. My coworker became a sounding board for a lot of this, but agreed he did not want to be the reason I broke up with my partner—even specifically stating, repeatedly, that he wanted to live alone, didn’t want a primary partner, etc.
For reasons that may have been shelter-in-place related or not, my partner finally agreed that I could date this man, two weeks into quarantine. Suddenly, my coworker stopped talking/texting as often. I believed he was hurt that it took so long for us to be together, and that maybe I didn’t know the extent of his pain having had to wait for “permission." Basically, social distancing has made our already-distant relationship even harder to keep aflame. But we had so much in common as artists—we had reached a point where we believed ourselves to be the other’s muse.
We finally met up at a park a few weeks ago to causally check in, two months after the last time we had seen each other in person. He told me he had a girlfriend now, whom he had only known since the beginning of March. That she had moved in two weeks prior to our meeting at the park, who had already met his parents. He offered no comment on where he and I stood. I was too shocked to even ask.
My question for you is how to move forward with the man who, just two months ago assured me he was in love with me still, yet wasn’t trying to do anything to “date” remotely. I understand it’s hard to pursue anything right now, especially as he grows closer to his new partner—do I just give this up after fighting for us for so long? I’m so hurt, but after everything we’ve shared with one another, I can’t go much longer without reaching out to him for clarification!
Perplexed Poly Female, 28, Chicago
My heart aches for you on this one. Even though I’m a big time monogamy lover, I’ve found myself in situations like this a number of times - where I really think there’s a growing connection, only to find it suddenly vanish without explanation. I think, unfortunately, this affair is over and you don’t move forward with him, you move forward without him. There are several red flags in your question that lead me to believe this.
You say that he’s stated, repeatedly, that he wanted to live alone and wasn’t interested in having a primary partner, which is okay because you weren’t looking for a primary partner either -- but his emphasis on this, as well as his insistence that he didn’t want to be the cause of a separation from your primary partner -- those raise some concerns for me. That response reminds me of the classic, ‘I’m just not looking for a serious relationship right now’; when what one really means to say is, ‘I’m not interested in a serious relationship with you.’ Which you can often confirm when they fall into a serious relationship with someone else shortly after you. It doesn’t feel good, but all it means is that it wasn’t the right fit. This, of course, skews a bit differently in a poly sphere, but no matter what your relationship dynamics are, you want to be involved with people who want to be involved with you!
You also say your coworker suddenly stopped contacting you as often during this time. Was this after you told him your partner was finally on board and you were ready to explore this relationship with him? If his reaction to this good news was to distance himself, that’s a clear signal that he’s no longer interested, or that he was possibly only interested in the forbidden fantasy dynamic of your relationship. However, you said “I believed he was hurt that it took so long for us to be together, and that maybe I didn’t know the extent of his pain having had to wait for ‘permission.’ ” What leads you to believe this? Did he tell you that, or are you trying to interpret his actions? I ask this because I have spent literal years making excuses for people I was romantically involved with who were continually distancing themselves from me. I finally realized there is no excuse, they are either into me, or they’re not. Things became so much easier once I accepted this. I stopped wasting energy on those people, and let go of them more quickly. The thing is -- if someone really wants to be with you, they will be. Sure, there are plenty of extenuating circumstances like timing, insecurity, trust issues, etc., but if those factors are in the way -- they aren’t ready to be with you anyway.
It sounds like in the time you’ve been apart, he’s entered into a pretty serious relationship with someone else --- and it’s not entirely clear whether it’s open or monogamous. During this in-person meeting recently you said you were too shocked by this news to even broach the topic of where the two of you stand. This SUCKS, and I empathize with it so hard. I have been in a wildly similar position and felt like I got the rug pulled out from under me. But I had been ignoring every sign leading up to this because I wanted the person so badly. I think there are a lot of signs here pointing to let this one go. I’m like you though -- I need clarity, finality, closure. I can’t spend time wondering what may have been if I’d only said x. So if I were you, I would ask for clarification. Get your answer, but try to be honest about how you feel - be direct and clear. Hey, you know I’m feeling a little confused...I thought things were going this direction. I still feel the same way and I’m ready now. How do you feel? Or something along those lines. Just do it, or you’ll give yourself a stomach ulcer working up all this anxiety about the unknown. Be prepared that you likely already have your answer, it’s just that hearing it from him might give you what you need to move on.
Something else that I think should be addressed is the fact that you allude to a conversation with your coworker where you consider separating from your primary partner. Is there a part of you that is considering ending this relationship regardless of whether another person is involved or not? I think that’s an important question to ask yourself. I’m curious why your partner finally agreed to opening your relationship to you dating other men while in the middle of isolation. Was this out of genuine acceptance of a new relationship dynamic or because he knew it wasn’t really all that feasible, and therefore less threatening? Maybe without the immediate pressure of opening up to a secondary partner that your primary isn’t super comfortable with, you can have an honest renegotiation of your boundaries for the future. Now that you know you have interest in sleeping with other men, and not just women, being stuck at home together might be a good time to get into those discussions in a more hypothetical way that don’t feel as threatening to your primary partner. Ultimately, you sound pretty clear about your feelings, even if they are still evolving, and openly communicating the way you feel is the only thing you have control over. How your co-worker or primary partner responds to those feelings will be up to them. Though it's important to remember that sometimes one’s feelings just simply change, and not because of anything you did wrong. Wishing you clarity and peace of mind soon. <3